Sunday School: Burdens

So, yesterday in Sunday school we had this random lesson about burdens/trials/etc. The teacher (who, bless his heart, blushed so red he was nearly purple) started out with asking the class why we have burdens.

The class came up with two answers:

1. Burdens are the consequences of sin.

2. God gives you burdens to test you.

These are all well and good, but if all burdens are the result of one of these two, boy are we in trouble.

If all burdens and trials came from sin or from God, then we have no way to account for actual catastrophes.

Let me demonstrate with the expected example: the Holocaust. OK, nobody would ever say that the Holocaust was the consequence of sin. However, saying that God gave that trial to the men, women, and children in the concentration camps and those who only made it as far as the gas chambers, or the ghettos, etc, because He wanted to test them is just as problematic. What kind of God tests people like that? Or the rape of a child (or rape in general)? How is that a test for that child? What kind of God does that to His children?

If you believe in the above reasons for burdens/trials/etc, then you are probably at a loss to explain such things, to come to terms with real catastrophe. And that is exactly my point. Either you hate yourself for bringing it upon you, or you hate God for doing it to you. Neither one helps.

Now, I think we need to add three more possibilities to this list. First, that sometimes burdens are the consequences of other's actions. With this comes the understanding that God values our agency very very highly. So much so that He would rather let bad things happen then interfere. Second, sometimes burdens are simply consequences, of good AND bad decisions. Yes, sometimes good decisions come with trials. And third, that sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you go through a rough time or bad things happen to you (and others) because that's life.

And all of this would be most helpful if it comes with the idea that life isn't about what happens to you, or why it happened, but what you do with it.

Newsletter Sturff: How to Pay Attend in Sacrament Meeting

Oh, sacrament meeting. It supplies both the heights of spiritual revelation and ecstasy as well as the troughs of abject boredom. Unfortunately, it seems like those troughs are endless. The 30-45 minutes of talks just drag on. So, my associates (Chloe and Michelle) and myself thought of something during a particularly heinous (testimony? perhaps) meeting.

We call it:

The Sacrament Drinking Game.

Possible Rules:

Any time someone opens with “I’m so nervous,” take a shot. Nothing builds ethos like admitting inadequacy.

If someone opens their talk with a definition from the dictionary, take another shot. Because I haven’t heard that particular definition for “faith.”

"...and I love my roommates"= take another shot. If person is also crying, take two shots.

Mission story only peripherally related to the topic- another shot. Examples should demonstrate a point, if you please.

If the person giving the talk just stares at their notes the. whole. time., then you get to take another shot. Because apparently they missed the HS science class on sound waves and how they travel in a straight line, meaning you can't really hear them monotonously read their paper verbatim.

"...every fiber of my being" means you get to take a shot! This useless and empty phrase just makes me think of yarn people. Find a new way to say "I felt very strongly about such-and-such."

Any reference to C.S. Lewis, the 13^th member of the Quorum of the Twelve, gets a shot.

Also any doctrinal point given from Elder A. General Authority gets a shot. Actually, any unreferenced point of doctrine gets a shot. This means, if the giver of the talk is a particularly sloppy researcher, you may be taking many shots.

The use of the whole "the world does x, so by implication we do not" dichotomy (false dichotomy, I might add) merits a shot. Because the Mormon community is so perfect and the ways of the world are so entirely evil.

Anytime someone gives his or her testimony in his or her mission language, you get to take a shot. I appreciate that the talker went on a mission, learned a language, etc., but a testimony I can’t understand is not going to be terribly enlightening. The point of bearing testimony in public is to strengthen others. Giving it in a foreign language only gratifies your own vanity.

Atonement does not equal "at one ment." That's just a coincidence. So, every time someone says that, or alludes to how useful it is to think of the Atonement that way, you get to take a shot. Go you.

For every talk that goes over time, you get a shot for every 5 minutes over. Because really, when the time is up, the Spirit is gone.

And so on, and so forth. I’m sure you can think of more rules.

The point is to trick yourself into paying attention. As you listen for the ridiculous generic conventions of the standard Mormon talk, you will inevitably pick up those rare gems, the ones that not only cast light on doctrine, but change your perspective on them by coloring them anew. Of course, depending on what you are drinking, you may lose track of the meeting altogether, which may or may not be a bad thing, depending on who is talking.

When in doubt, eat bacon

So, while some make salads and do their best not to die, I make food that involves bacon.

Lots and lots of bacon.

Take, for example, my dinner for the past two nights. I call it "Heart Attack in a Bowl" (A spin-off of my favorite Heart Attack Sandwich)

All good things start with bacon. So, fry up as many slices of bacon as you feel morally obligated to eat in one sitting.

In the mean time...

Get some mashed potatoes. Put them in a bowl, heat them up. Add butter to taste (Paula Deen style), rosemary and tarragon.

Place bacon on top of mashed potatoes, sprinkle liberally with parmesan cheese.

DONE. ENJOY.

I also want to try this sometime. Oh yeah.

Also- if you are curious, the Heart Attack Sandwich is: two slices of bread, toasted and buttered, plus two eggs, scrambled with lots of cheese and herbs, and as many slices of bacon as you need. Oh yeah. Good for what ails ya.

Basically, Bacon+Carb+Cheese=WIN